I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two years, he lives in his own house and I live in mine, I’ve been hoping that soon we might talk about living together as after years of unsuccessful relationships I feel that this si the man I could really be with long-term.
His wife left him the year before I met him. Apparently she had just come home one day and said that she didn’t love him anymore and was leaving. He was gutted and had to remorgage his house to pay off her half, etc. and I think there was a lot of bitterness on his part, although I don’t really know the complete truth about it only what i’ve gathered.
I always worried that he really hadn’t got over the whole thing, that secretly he still loved her and felt devastated about her leaving him. He didn’t get divorced, he said why should he pay when she left him, at the time I thought fair enough, although if it had been me that had been married and dumped I would want the closure of divorce anyway, the other month when I was at his house I picked up some papers that he had left on the side, one was a letter from his wife’s solicitor saying she had started divorce proceedings and that he was to send thier marriage certificate to them. I couldn’t mention this as i really shouldn’t have been looking at his personal stuff, but what upsets me is he knows i’ve felt insecure about her (I don’t know why lol) so surly he would want to tell me this in order to somehow placate me, showing me that its all over now. Of course now I think its because he is really upset by it and that maybe, deep down he thought they might one day get back together. Am I being totally silly about all this? Am i overreacting? Why hasn’t he mentioned any of this to me? I think if i’m honest I feel that now my trust has been knocked and I wonder what else he isn’t saying.. Any advice would be good thanks!
whitexsaucer
March 13, 2010 at 2:59 pm
I think you’re right. Women don’t always need a good excuse to be suspicious. We just seem to know things. I would sit him down and have the “where is this going” talk. Good luck.
jade
March 13, 2010 at 3:11 pm
If after 2 years of a committed relationship and there is no talk of moving in together.. or marriage.. I would say your spinning your wheels.. he’s probably never gonna trust a woman again. Have you talked to him about your desire to live with him? let him know how you feel and that your ready to take the next step and see what he says…
Jed
March 13, 2010 at 3:40 pm
He’s going to go through shock, anger, denial, self-doubt, not necessarily in that order, maybe some all at the same time, but eventually, acceptance. You said he was gutted. Yep…that’s what it feels like, too.
You are right to be concerned for yourself here. You don’t want to get into a situation that will drain you and jerk you.
He has to move on, and it WILL take awhile. You need to decide if you want to be the one to help him through this…it could take alot. And it could get rough.
If you consider him worth it, then go for it.
And, I don’t think he’d be seriously interested in getting together with the one that split him like a fish.
Nikki
March 13, 2010 at 4:38 pm
I would just talk to him about your insecurities. I wouldn’t tell him that you snooped and what you saw. Just ask why he hasn’t decided to get a divorce yet. You two have been together for almost two years so I think it’s reasonable to think you have the right to know. Tell him you wonder if your relationship is going anywhere or if he still has feelings for the ex. Hopefully during this conversation he will mention the divorce proceedings, if not it may be he just doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it yet (not sure).
bigguy
March 13, 2010 at 5:10 pm
hello
do you like life?
MOVE ON, MOVE ON..
NEXT DAY, NEXT STORY NEW LOVE.
BEST
KDW
March 13, 2010 at 5:50 pm
I always like to believe my gut instincts, they really never lead you in the wrong direction. God gave women that wonderful intuition, use it! If you’re questioning things, more than likely what your feeling/thinking (deep down) is right and you’re just asking this question because you want to hear someone say “everything will be just fine you’re totally being silly”.
shenika1us
March 13, 2010 at 6:41 pm
Leave him alone. No you shouldnt be looking at his personal business, but the fact that his wife left a year before you even started dating and he still didnt want to start divorce precedings might mean exactly what you think, he was hoping she would come back. Do you love him , if not move on quickly and find someone you can spend the rest of your life with before you waste more time with a man that cant even divorce the woman who walked out on him
greenbaypackers1920
March 13, 2010 at 6:42 pm
you should be so happy that you both didn’t moved in… it will be worst if you did you and him will be figureing out how to paid his wife not divorce yet her bills.. and To be honest with you… It not worth for you to be with him because he will not have you move in with him why… because he hoping that she will be coming back… now you found out that he got a letter from his soon to be ex that divorce now going… Why didn’t he tell you at the begning????
So, he have you as person to hang on until something happen… and you been with him 2 years while he and his wife not divorce yet until you found out now… that very very bad. and he not the person to be with.. reason
1. He not telling you the truth
2. Still married to his wife even if she left him
3. you and him been together for 2 years but no living together
4. He just hanging on toyou hoping his ex wife will come back since you or him not moving together
5. you are right there are so many things that he not being honest with you from day one he met you…
6. maybe there more
7. You are right what else he isn’t saying???
My Final Advice find one guy that really honest, trust, commucate with you from the day one… That how I did with my wife being honest from day one we met and now we been married for 10 years and 3 kids… you know I always tell my wife who I went to with a female friend… I rather to tell my wife first before anyone tell her giving her wrong information…
That how my Wife and I been truly in love and how much I was lucky to have her and giving me beautiful kids.. that how I know she the one I want to marry to…
I do hope you see what I am saying… end it and moved on… if he try to say blah blah killing himself or something you know who to contact have you met his family then contact them.. It not your place to fix that plm… He didn’t being honest with you from the beganing…
You know, I was married different person before her and I told her the truth how it happen and done and moved on and smiling…
sparkles
March 13, 2010 at 7:18 pm
Start the “long talk” with him and wait for the divorced to be finalized.
pwwatson8888
March 13, 2010 at 8:17 pm
He has been hurt and I think is still hurting. I don’t think je thinks they will get together again. I think he wants to make sure no one ever hurts him that badly again and by keeping a distance he is doing this. Also from another point of view he was leaving the door open (metaphorically speaking) for her to come back. Now she isn’t. It is a good thing you saw the letter and it is a good thing you do not say anything about it. He will tell you in good time but do not under any circumstances mention it to him as he is so bruised that it will make him think you were sneaking around reading his stuff (on purpose as opposed to by accident). If you want him you will have to wait a while longer. You may have to wait until he jas the papers for the divorce on his desk. He must have loved her a lot. If he loved her a lot then he will not place that love with another in either a hurry or in an irresponsible way. You are a lot tougher than he is. I don’t think you should feel your trust has been knocked. I think you want to take a long hard look at how resiliant you think your man is and realise he isn’t that tough. Be kind, gentle and understanding. I wonder how many times he has mentioned that you were a bit harsh on some judgement or other of yours on someone else and you laughed at it. Just guessing but I would say you have no idea of what he really thinks. Listen to him more and speak less. Be there for him.
J F
March 13, 2010 at 8:34 pm
I think it’s natural to feel remorse over the end of a marriage – even a bad one. Not having been through it yourself, it’s hard to imagine feeling that way. I was surprised at how upset I was over my divorce becoming final. I was the one who left him – you’d have thought I would be elated. I was a mess.
Talk to him – don’t jump to conclusions.